


Awakenings

by madzilla



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-11
Updated: 2011-01-11
Packaged: 2017-10-14 16:27:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/151224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madzilla/pseuds/madzilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>You said you wouldn't hurt anyone.</i> <br/>Based on the season seven episode <i>Repression</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Awakenings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Belanna](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Belanna).



> Written for VAMB's 2010 Secret Santa Exchange.

It was a perfect world. Vast blue oceans, continents with varied climates and terrains. And blissfully uninhabited.

The colonists would have to work hard to tame their new home, but as good Starfleet officers, hard work shouldn’t faze them.

“Start beaming them down,” said B’Elanna Torres, watching the planet rotate slowly on the viewscreen.

“Before you do,” cut in Chakotay, “I take it we’re ready to run this ship with a skeleton crew?”

B’Elanna’s face darkened.

“Not yet,” she said grimly. “But I can do it. I need more time, so we’ll just have to travel at impulse for a while - or, ideally, hold our position here.”

“You’re sure it can be done?” said Chakotay sharply. “Because once the Fleeters are gone, that’s it. If we aren’t able to crew this ship, we’re dead in the water. We’ll never get back to the Alpha Quadrant. We’ve had enough delays already, thanks to Janeway and her insistence on investigating every single stellar phenomenon or nebula along the way.”

“Even if we reassign most of our crewmembers currently assigned to those areas - Sciences, Astrometrics, Archaeology, Stellar Cartography - we’d still be short,” said B’Elanna. “I need more people in Engineering, and more will be needed for the grunt work.”

“Our people have never been afraid of hard work,” said Chakotay, with a hint of pride. “We don’t need a Science officer for a mission of this nature. We need to get back to the fight. This isn’t a Science vessel, at least not any more. I’m reassigning the majority of our people to weapons and engineering.”

He turned away from her.

“Tuvok,” he said. “You’d better start _passing on the message_ to the rest of my crew. Some of them might well try and help their ‘Fleet friends if we don’t get to them quickly.”

“Aye, Captain,” said Tuvok, and entered the turbolift.

Watching him leave, Chakotay turned back to B’Elanna.

“So,” she said. “Should we start beaming the Fleeters down?”

“No,” Chakotay said reluctantly. “I thought you might have things ready by now, but it looks like we’re going to need the Fleeters for a little while longer, unless we want to be stuck right here for the rest of our lives.”

“I’m sorry to _disappoint_ you,” spat B’Elanna. “But a ship this size was never designed to be run with less than a hundred crewmembers. You’re asking me to do it with less than forty. Potentially for decades. Something like that takes more than a few hours, _Captain_.”

“Understood,” ground out Chakotay. “But we’ve got to get going, we’re wasting time. Jor, resume our previous course, warp eight. Keep an eye out for any M-class planets on the way, and send any information to me. B’Elanna, get down to engineering. As Tuvok passes on the message, I’ll send you some more help. The sooner we can get the Fleeters off this ship and get back to our fight, the better. I don’t mind keeping them aboard to work for now, but they’ll just be trouble in the long run.”

“Agreed,” said B’Elanna, walking with him to the lift. They reached deck six, and Chakotay powered his phaser.

“I’m going to make sure our former colleagues are all safely in their quarters,” he said as he stepped off the lift. “But feel free to take whoever you need for Engineering. All the Fleeters are to be supervised by one of us. You know what to do if there’s any trouble.”

“Understood,” said B’Elanna, with a curling grin.

“Oh, and one other thing,” said Chakotay. “When you have a chance, perhaps you could try resetting that damned EMH. It’s been working with the Starfleet crew for a long time, and is probably still loyal to Janeway.”

“Isn’t its programming supposed to follow the orders of whoever’s in command?” said B’Elanna.

“Only if they’re a Starfleet officer,” said Chakotay with a sneer. “There’s no way he wouldn’t try to help Janeway and the others given half the chance. We need a medic - if you can’t fix the EMH then you’ll have to use Paris.” Chakotay huffed out a laugh. “If he wakes up.”

“Right,” said B’Elanna. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Chakotay nodded, and headed off down the corridor.

 

* * *

 

They were travelling at warp eight. This low down in her ship, Kathryn Janeway could tell from the vibrations of the deck that Voyager had been increasing speed almost constantly since Chakotay and his crew had taken over.

 _His crew._ Even before this had all happened he’d referred to ‘her crew’. Funny how such a small incident had immediately made the former Maquis crewmembers so paranoid. Kathryn had assumed their differences had been put aside years ago, but it seemed for some it was still close to the surface.

She had spent the first hours of her imprisonment pacing her cell like a caged lioness, until she had been brought to the Ready Room to see Captain Chakotay. She had been pleased when Ayala had come for her, thinking that an opportunity to speak properly with Chakotay was a major point in her favor. She knew him better than anyone, and surely would be able to negotiate with him.

And she knew he would never hurt her.

Or at least, she had thought so, but her brief period in the Ready Room with him and Tuvok had left her reeling. She couldn’t forget his blank, almost amused expression as he’d ever so calmly asked Tuvok to kill her. But she wondered - had he known the phaser was faulty all along? Surely he’d never really intended to kill her? Or had his brainwashing made him forget how much they meant to each other?

Kathryn let her head thud back against the wall of the brig, and her eyes closed. _So many questions. And so frustrating to have no answers._

Her more immediate concern, however, was not her relationship with Chakotay - that would have to wait - but her crew, and regaining control of her ship. What was happening to the rest of the Starfleet crew? She was fairly sure Chakotay wouldn’t hurt them, but what about the rest of the Maquis?

Tuvok, ever-vigilant, had prepared multiple defenses against a potential Maquis mutiny ever since Chakotay and his crew had come on board. When they were first uncovered, they had all laughed at the possibility - it was all so far behind them. Now, the irony that Tuvok was the one to undo those same defenses was not lost on her.

She’d have laughed if it weren’t so hopeless.

Eyes closed, she listened to the faint buzzing of the forcefield, and pushed aside her sadness over Chakotay’s cavalier treatment of her to concentrate on the possibilities. If only she could somehow contact any member of her crew - Harry, or Tom ... or Seven ...

“Hey!” an irritating voice broke into her thoughts. “Hey, you! Get up!”

Kathryn opened her eyes and slowly lowered her head to see Chell pointing a phaser at her, and grinning maliciously.

“You’re coming with me,” he said, almost gleefully, and Kathryn sighed internally. She knew Chell had never really liked her, though she thought they’d at least reached an understanding. He’d been helping out in the Messhall recently, and they had chatted briefly a few times. Now it seemed he was reveling in her downfall.

“Where are we going?” she said, as the forcefield fizzled out. Chell made a show of raising the power level on his phaser.

“You’ll find out,” said Chell, and gestured for her to walk in front of him.

“No tricks, _Kathryn_ ,” he hissed. “I won’t hesitate to use this.”

“Understood,” ground out Kathryn, stung by his casual use of her name. It wasn’t just the lack of respect, but the fact that the only person to call her by her name aboard Voyager had been Chakotay, as a sign of their deep friendship...

“Deck one,” said Chell as they boarded the lift.

 _That means either the bridge or the ready room_ , thought Kathryn. And it would almost certainly mean seeing Chakotay - after last time, what would he have in store for her now?

They exited into the corridor, and Kathryn’s eyes widened at the sight of Ensign Brooks - now just Sarah, she supposed - working on a conduit with a phaser pointed at her by former Crewman Carlson. Sarah was in her off-duty attire, and Carlson appeared to be wearing the leathers favored by the Maquis, as was Chell.

They arrived at the Ready Room and Chell hit the chime. Once Chakotay’s voice admitted them, Chell poked Kathryn hard with his phaser and through the open door.

Chakotay, who was stood by the viewport, looked over his shoulder as they entered.

“Thank you, Chell,” he said, before looking at Kathryn. She held his gaze, unwilling to let him see how much she missed him, or how furious she was with him, with this whole situation.

“Hello, Kathryn,” he said, and she sighed internally. Coming from him before, her name had almost been an endearment, but now he was using it against her, throwing the loss of her rank in her face.

She held her chin up; she was still a Captain, no matter what Teero, Chakotay, Tuvok or any of the others did to her.

“Captain,” she said through clenched teeth, and Chakotay smiled coldly.

“I wanted to talk to you about duty shifts,” said Chakotay, businesslike. “I’ll be frank. You and I both know this ship can’t be run with only thirty people on the crew – not yet, anyway. So we need your crew to take on jobs as well. I’ll be reassigning a lot of people to areas we need - weapons, tactical, engineering - and the rest will stay confined to quarters.”

“You can’t possibly think any of the Starfleet crewmembers will work for you,” said Kathryn. “They take a very dim view of mutiny, as do I.”

“Many of them already are working for us,” said Chakotay with a shrug, heading for the replicator. “They were pretty easy to convince. And none of them want to be stuck in the Delta Quadrant for the rest of their lives, either.”

He approached her with two glasses of whiskey, and held one out to her.

“No, thank you,” she said, raising an eyebrow.

“Suit yourself,” he said, and sipped at his, before placing it on the desk.

“You know, our aims aren’t completely different,” he said. “You wanted to get your crew home. That’s what I want, too - but unlike you, I want to get home sooner rather than later.”

“How can you say that?” burst Kathryn. “You know I -”

Chakotay held up a hand.

“Come on, Kathryn - we both know we could have been home by now if we hadn’t done so much exploring,” he said.

“You always agreed with my decisions to explore new phenomena,” she said. “We’ve discussed it a hundred times. I asked you if we should prioritize speed over exploration, and you always said no.”

“That’s because I forgot who I was, what was most important,” he said forcefully. He walked over until he was standing very close to her, but she didn’t back down.

“And what I wanted,” he said in a low voice. Kathryn glared up at him.

“And what is that?” she said, almost whispering.

“I’m Maquis,” he said, moving away from her again. “I want to get back to the fight. Back in the Alpha quadrant, there are still Cardassians destroying lives, still people undefended by the mighty Starfleet - “

“No, Chakotay, there aren’t,” cut in Kathryn. “You’ve read the reports we’ve had from Starfleet. The situation is entirely different now. The war has changed everything! The Maquis have been gone for years, and the situation in Cardassia is completely -”

“The Maquis haven’t been _gone_ ,” said Chakotay angrily. “We’ve been right here. My crew, we’re the last. So it’s our responsibility to carry on. We’re all that’s left.”

“What do you hope to accomplish?” said Kathryn, frustrated. “There IS no fight. You’re creating a situation that doesn’t exist, because of a zealot thousands of light years away. You must realize -”

“Enough!” said Chakotay. “I didn’t expect you to understand. You’re Starfleet through and through; you’ve _never_ truly understood us. I had to fight for every inch you gave the Maquis.”

“You know that isn’t true,” said Kathryn, her voice low and furious. “Of course I was unsure, at first, but you know I trust the Maquis now, and have for many years. Some of you are my closest friends.”

Chakotay blinked. “We’ve allowed all of you to distract us,” he said. “Not any more.” He lifted a bundle off the desk.

“No more uniforms,” he said. “And no formalities. This is a Maquis ship now. We need you to work just like all the others. You can wear this.” He held out the bundle to her, and Kathryn recognized some of her own clothes.

“You entered my quarters without permission?” she said, taking the clothes, and Chakotay laughed.

“I did say things would be different around here,” he said. “Change.”

Kathryn turned to head to the washroom, and hadn’t taken more than four steps when she felt Chakotay’s fingers wrap around her arm.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he said, his lips close to her ear.

“To change,” she said. Still gripping her arm, Chakotay turned her so she faced him again.

“Change,” he said again, and Kathryn saw Chell move to block the door of the washroom.

“You can’t be serious,” she said incredulously. Chakotay leaned forward and picked off one of her pips. She batted his hand away crossly, and he grabbed her wrist hard, causing her to wince.

“Don’t,” he said, a warning tone in his voice, and plucked off the remaining pips, sending them skittering across the desk.

Once he was done, he rolled the last pip between his fingers, before glancing at the bundle of clothes in Kathryn’s arms.

They simply looked at each other for a long while, before Kathryn sighed in frustration. Reluctant as she was to submit, if she co-operated with him it might make him slightly more amenable in the days to come.

“Fine,” she hissed, and unzipped her jacket, throwing it aside. She needed to remove her boots before her pants could come off, and the difference it made to her height made her feel vulnerable.

She attempted to ignore Chell and Chakotay as much as possible as she stripped, until she was down to her vest and underwear. She held her hands out for the clothes, but Chakotay didn’t release them.

“That, too,” he said, nodding towards her vest. “It’s Starfleet.”

Kathryn’s jaw fell slightly, and couldn’t help but glance at Chell, behind her, who looked delighted at her humiliation.

“You can leave us, Chell,” said Chakotay, and Kathryn saw his face fall slightly.

“But Captain,” he sputtered.

“Now, Chell,” said Chakotay firmly. “I think I can handle her.”

Chell sighed dramatically before leaving the room, and Chakotay walked over to Kathryn. He placed a hand on her waist, and her heart lifted for a moment. Perhaps his previous shows were to keep the confidence of his crew. Perhaps when they were alone, he might be different. They might finally be able to talk ...

She stiffened as his hand fisted around the fabric of her vest, and he began to pull upwards. The backs of his fingers trailed over the skin of her stomach, and she twisted away from him instinctively. He had a firm grip on the fabric, however, and kept hold of it as she struggled and twisted, until she pulled away, leaving her stood in only her underwear, her vest bunched in Chakotay’s hand, her hair a mess.

“Much better,” he said, tossing the vest over a chair, his eyes raking over her. She crossed her arms over her chest.

 _She’s beautiful_ , thought Chakotay for a second.

 _No!_ screamed a familiar voice in his mind. _Concentrate on your mission!_

He shook his head slightly, to clear it, and slung the clothes at her.

“Put these on,” he muttered.

Kathryn dressed hurriedly, her back to him, pulling the dark jumper and slacks on. Had Chakotay chosen these clothes, or had he sent some member of the crew to go through her things? While they were only clothes, she still hated the idea of someone going through her personal belongings and invading her sanctuary like that. Now she wondered if she’d ever see her quarters again...

To her surprise, Chakotay turned away from her as she dressed - moments before he’d practically been ogling her. She knew this whole charade was intended to display his power over her, so she had expected him to watch her every move.

When he turned back she was fully dressed, bending to pick up her uniform.

“Leave it,” he said. “I’ll recycle it. We can’t waste anything.”

She nodded, and straightened.

“I’ve been trying to decide what to do with you,” he said. “We could use your skills. But I don’t imagine you’ll be in much of a hurry to help us.”

“That depends,” said Kathryn. “What are your plans for my crew?”

“We’re currently looking for a suitable M-class planet,” said Chakotay. “Don’t worry, we’ll find somewhere you’ll all be comfortable.”

“What? Why?” said Kathryn. “You said yourself, you can’t run this ship with just the Maquis.”

“Not right now, but B’Elanna and Tuvok are working on it,” he said. “You might remember Tuvok helped put into place all the security measures that meant a small number of people couldn’t take over the ship. Well, right now he’s reversing them.” He smirked. “Funny, when you think about it.”

Kathryn had a hard time seeing the humor in the situation.

“I understand you want to get back to your fight,” she said. “But I see no reason why my crew can’t stay on board.”

“They’ll be trouble,” he said. “Don’t think I don’t know that you’ll be planning to retake the ship at the first possible opportunity. I can’t afford to have my people constantly supervising yours, watching over their shoulders for an attack.”

“They’ll follow my lead,” said Kathryn.

“Which is exactly what I’m afraid of,” said Chakotay. “You’re the biggest liability of all.”

His description of her as a mere _liability_ hurt, but she shrugged it off.

“So, as soon as we find a suitable planet, you get to found the Delta quadrant’s first Federation colony.” He tapped his combadge. “Chell, come back in, please.”

Chell entered, looking eager, and Chakotay nodded towards Kathryn.

“Take her back to the brig,” he said. “Tomorrow she starts in Engineering.”

Chell accompanied her to the door, but before they left she turned.

“Chakotay,” she said insistently. “I know this isn’t you. Not really. I know you’d never leave the people you care about like this. What about Tom and B’Elanna? They’re husband and wife, are you really going to separate them forever?” She took a step towards him.

“I know you’re still in there. That’s why you gave Tuvok that defective phaser. I know the man you truly are, and this isn’t it. Whatever Teero’s done to you, it isn’t really you!”

She thought for a moment she had seen doubt in his eyes, but it quickly turned to fury.

“On second thoughts, maybe Engineering can wait,” he said, his eyes black. “Perhaps a spell scrubbing the transporter platforms might remind you of how things are now.” Chell, who had once performed the same task himself, let out a sound of glee behind her.

“Get her out of here,” he growled to Chell.

Once Kathryn and Chell were gone, Chakotay downed the rest of the whiskey before scooping the pieces of Kathryn’s uniform from the floor. He carried them over to the recycler, and held them over the chute.

Before he could drop them in, he found himself pressing his face into the fabric. Her scent clung to it, and a wave of - he didn’t quite know what - passed over him. Fondness, lust, anger all battled for supremacy inside him, but suddenly he was dumping the clothes in the recycler and pressing the button with enough force to crack it.

The clothes shimmered out of existence, and his hand twitched as though he wanted to grab them back.

 _Damn her,_ he thought as he stalked back to his desk. _The sooner she’s off this ship the better. She’s the reason we’ve been away from the fight for so long. The reason I forgot what really matters._

 _She’s the reason I found peace - and forgot the fight._

Sighing, Chakotay pulled up the list of Starfleet personnel, trying to decide who to assign where - while they were still on board.

 

* * *

 

Tom Paris paused to wipe a drop of sweat from his temple, before bending back under the panel he was currently working on in the navigation console. He was no engineer, but his Starfleet training was enough for menial jobs like this.

Above him, B’Elanna worked on another panel with one hand. The other held a phaser pointed directly at him. She appeared engrossed in her work, but Tom knew her well enough to know that if he as much as coughed without permission, she’d blow his head off. Even though they’d been married only a few weeks, she seemed to have no kind or warm feelings towards him of any kind. She hadn’t even cared that Chakotay had shot him.

The worst part of it was that she didn’t even seem angry - her anger he could deal with - just focused. She just didn’t care about anything except the Maquis cause any more.

“So,” he said. “Who’s looking after Engineering?”

“Carey,” said B’Elanna, not looking away from the panel.

“I’m surprised you trust him,” said Tom.

“I don’t,” said B’Elanna flatly. “Jor and Dalby are watching him. He’s the best we have, so we need him.”

“Actually, I think you’ll find the best we have is you,” said Tom. “And you know that. So - I have to wonder - why are you simply supervising me mending a simple circuit when you should be down there?”

The tip of B’Elanna’s phaser pressing hard into his cheek cut him off.

“Just get on with your work,” she hissed. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

“Yes, ma’am,” said Tom, bending back under the console, but he felt a small spark of hope.

 

* * *

 

Once Paris was returned to his quarters and the lockdown was in place, B’Elanna trudged to Chakotay’s quarters. He was sitting at his desk, frowning at the monitor, and she slumped into the chair opposite him.

“Well?” said Chakotay.

“Carey reports the Engineering work’s on track,” she said tiredly. “The streamlining of systems isn’t impossible, it’s just extremely labor-intensive. Luckily, everyone’s pulling double shifts to compensate.” A ghost of a smile appeared on her face.

“Not that I’m not _enjoying_ seeing Janeway scrubbing the transporter platform,” she said, “but I really could use her in engineering. I’m pretty sure she could cut the time it’ll take us to streamline the systems in half. Especially if we had her access codes.”

“She’ll never give them up,” said Chakotay. He and Tuvok had spent hours trying to get around the Captain’s codes, but only a level ten authorization would work. They’d tried every trick possible to circumvent those codes, but the very system Tuvok had created to prevent them from doing so had come back to bite them.

The only other person who might be able to get through the final lockout was Seven of Nine, and Chakotay was well aware she could be even more stubborn than the Captain.

 _Former Captain,_ he reminded himself angrily.

“Well, she’d better, or this is going to take a long, long time,” said B’Elanna, letting her head fall back. She’d been working hard, and the smell of sweat permeated the room.

“What about you?” said Chakotay. “Why weren’t you working on it?”

“I was,” said B’Elanna, her head snapping up. “From the bridge.”

“Why the bridge?”

“I was keeping an eye on Paris.”

Chakotay’s eyes narrowed.

“Why?” he said.

“You know how much trouble he is,” said B’Elanna. “He and Kim already broke out once. He needs to be watched, constantly.”

“And it has to be by you?” said Chakotay acidly.

B’Elanna blinked a few times, before she shrugged.

“I don’t know,” she said. “It just seemed the best solution. I was able to work from there and watch him, and I managed -”

“Save it,” said Chakotay. “Jor can watch him tomorrow. She’s more than capable. You’ll be in engineering, where you belong. And you can have Janeway to help you. If there’s anyone you should be keeping an eye on, it’s her.”

“Fine,” said B’Elanna. “And her codes?”

“Leave that to me,” said Chakotay. “I’m going to try something different.”

B’Elanna grinned.

 

* * *

 

Kathryn rolled her aching shoulders and shifted on the hard bench. This wasn’t the worst prison she had ever been held in, but it was certainly the most frustrating.

She had scrubbed the transporter platform all day before she was returned to the brig. She had been allowed to use the small sonic shower before she was returned to her cell, but was unable to wash her clothes, so the smell from her manual labor clung to her.

Her stomach was growling, and she was ragingly thirsty, but she would not ask for food. Not yet, anyway. She didn’t think Chakotay would let her starve to death.

An hour or so later, as she was dozing off, Ayala appeared in front of the forcefield, and disabled it. He gestured for her to follow, which she did, aware of the phaser rifle pointed at her.

Soon they were on the lift, and made their way up through the ship to Chakotay’s quarters. She wondered why he hadn’t taken over her quarters now he was in command.

Ayala rang the chime, and the door hissed open. She walked in, but Ayala didn’t follow.

“Thanks, Mike,” came Chakotay’s voice, and the doors hissed shut. They were alone.

The sight in front of her shocked Kathryn. Of all the things she’d been expecting, a lavish dinner laid out on the table was not one of them. Her mouth immediately began to water as the combined scents of tomato, garlic and onion hit her. She licked her lips unconsciously, and Chakotay smiled to himself.

“Here,” he said, lifting a piece of fabric from the back of a chair. “I thought you might like to change after wearing that all day.”

Frowning, she took the garment from his hand, and lifted it. It was one of her favorite dresses.

“You can use my bathroom to change,” he said. “When you’re done, you can put your clothes through the ‘fresher. Don’t be too long, it’ll get cold,” he said, indicating the food.

“Thank you,” said Kathryn evenly, making her way to his bathroom, fear creeping up her spine. What was he up to?

She relished the time in the bathroom - the first time she’d had alone since this all started. He was no fool, though - she noticed she was unable to lock the door, and everything had been removed from the room except the fixtures. Panels and controls were disabled or rerouted, leaving only emergency lighting.

She changed quickly and exited, throwing her clothes into Chakotay’s refresher on the way. It was the first time she had ever been in his bedroom, and she was surprised at how bare it was. She knew Chakotay had few possessions, nor desired many, but there was absolutely nothing of himself in this room. It could almost have been unoccupied, were it not for the few items of clothing on his chair, and a scenic picture on his nightstand.

Kathryn had no way of knowing that all of Chakotay’s photographs and pictures had been shoved into a box at the bottom of his closet earlier that day.

She returned to the living room, where Chakotay was opening a bottle of wine. He had already put a generous serving of pasta on her plate, and as she entered he passed her a glass.

“To new beginnings,” he said, raising his glass. Kathryn did not raise hers.

“To which new beginnings are you referring, Captain?” she said, her eyes narrowed.

He gestured to her seat. “Eat,” he said. “It’ll get cold.”

She sat, but did not lift her fork, despite the fact her stomach was rumbling madly.

Chakotay began to eat, ignoring Kathryn’s steely gaze.

“If you don’t want it,” he said eventually, “I can recycle it.”

Reluctantly, Kathryn lifted her fork and began to eat, well aware that it could be a while before she had a decent meal again. The food was delicious, and she ate quickly.

They were both silent as they ate, and once they had finished Kathryn got straight to the point.

“Alright,” she said. “What’s this all about?”

“What’s what all about?” said Chakotay innocently.

“Oh, come on,” said Kathryn. “The past few days you’ve kept me in the brig with no food and forced me to scrub floors. Now you’re giving me a dress and cooking me a lavish dinner? Well, forgive me, but I can’t help but wonder about your motives.”

Chakotay was frowning. “What do you mean, no food?”

“I haven’t been given any food in the brig,” said Kathryn shrugging. “Which is against Starfleet’s guidelines for care of prisoners - but then, I suppose we aren’t a Starfleet vessel any more,” she said.

“I told my crew to make sure everyone had food,” he said.

“Well, my guard must have missed that memo,” she said. “I take it there’s another reason for all of this,” she said, indicating the table.

“Actually, there is,” said Chakotay. “This is an attempt to apologize for yesterday. I shouldn’t have made you scrub floors. You’ve a lot of skills and we need to utilize them.”

“So, now what?” said Kathryn.

“I’ve made a list of everyone on your crew, and assigned jobs for them,” said Chakotay, passing her a PADD. “I think you’ll find them fair. I intend to do the same for you.”

Kathryn heard his unspoken _but_.

“So,” she said. “What is it you want in return for this _kindness_?” She placed the PADD down. “I’m assuming you _do_ want something.”

“Yes, I do,” said Chakotay, standing. She stood too, and he moved until he was very close to her.

Kathryn backed away, until with a jolt she felt the bulkhead behind her. Chakotay was now so close to her that she could feel his breath on her cheek.

“Kathryn,” he said softly. “All these years we’ve danced around each other - you’re finally free from your command. There are options available to you now that weren’t available before.”

“Such as?” said Kathryn, although she had a horrible suspicion she knew where this was going.

Chakotay advanced on her, and suddenly his mouth pressed against her neck. She let out a gasp. His lips moved over the sensitive skin there, sucking, nibbling, and she sagged against the wall.

As good as it felt, she knew it wasn’t right, and she pushed against his chest. He pushed back harder, pinning her against the wall, and she felt a flash of fear.

“Chakotay,” she said, as his lips moved to her jaw. “Stop it.”

“Why?” he said. “I know you’ve been lonely. I know you want this. And soon, we’ll never see each other again. Why shouldn’t we?”

She felt a stab of agony at the idea they’d never see each other again, but still she tried to push him away.

“Please let me go,” she said firmly.

In response, Chakotay pushed his thigh between her legs, lifting her slightly against the wall. His hand moved to brush against her breast.

“Chakotay!” she said in alarm, struggling. “Stop this!”

“You’ve wanted this for a long time,” said Chakotay against her cheek. “I know you have. And so have I. We can help each other. If you could just see past Starfleet, and see the bigger picture!” He rubbed his thumb over her nipple.

“We need your help,” he said. “I need your help.”

“What do you need from me?” she said, her voice breathless.

“I know it seems against everything you stand for,” he said, shifting his thigh to press against her center. “But it would help us, and make your crew’s lives a lot easier.”

“What would?” said Kathryn, aroused and terrified.

“Your command codes.”

The haze of arousal vanished immediately, and fury took its place. Kathryn shoved with all her might, but it wasn’t enough to free her from Chakotay’s grip.

“Get OFF me!” she yelled.

Chakotay gripped her tighter, a triumphant look in his eyes, so she reached up and dug her nails into his cheek as hard as she could. He let out a yell of pain and she pushed away, backing across the room.

“Did you think you could _seduce_ me into giving you my command codes?” she said incredulously.

“No,” said Chakotay, one hand pressed over his bleeding cheek. “I just thought I could make you realize you don’t have to make everything so difficult for your crew, and for yourself. We could have helped each other out.”

“Why are you trying to help _me_?” she said. “You don’t give a damn about me or my crew any more.”

“No, I don’t,” said Chakotay, and his words came like a stinging slap. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t need you.”

Kathryn raised her chin, and Chakotay cursed himself.

“You’d do well to remember that,” she said. “As difficult as you say you can make life for us, we can make it _impossible_ for you.”

“Is that a threat?” said Chakotay.

“A promise,” said Kathryn.

They were both panting hard, and Chakotay tapped his combadge.

“Mike,” he said. “Get ready to take Janeway back to the brig in five.”

“Sure, boss,” came Ayala’s disembodied voice.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t come to an agreement,” he said, returning to the table to take a sip of wine.

“The fact you tried that particular method to get me to surrender my codes means you obviously don’t know me very well,” she said. “And yet, I know that you do. So I can only assume that your brainwashing has made you forget.” She rubbed at her bruised arms.

“I don’t remember,” said Chakotay. “And I don’t care.”

Kathryn nodded, saddened at his words.

They stood silently until the door chime sounded, and Ayala entered. Kathryn wordlessly retrieved her clothes before following Ayala back to the brig. She changed out of her dress, not caring if her guard saw, and curled up on her bunk.

She had always wondered what it would feel like if Chakotay kissed her. How sad it had happened like that. Miserable, she curled up tighter.

 _Is it getting colder in here?_

 

* * *

 

Chakotay sat down heavily in his chair. He was hard, his cheek stung, and he ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

 _That damned woman._ He’d quite been looking forward to a roll in the hay with her. It could well be a long journey, and she’d be gone soon. He wasn’t quite sure why there’d been a picture of her next to his bed when he’d come back to his quarters a few days ago, and had shoved it back in the cupboard in confusion. He’d replaced it with a landscape of his home world. Every time he looked at it, he recalled the destruction the last time he had visited, and a fresh hatred for the Cardassians bubbled up inside him.

He’d thought the next few weeks could pass enjoyably enough. Surely Janeway would see the wisdom of giving up her command codes if it meant her crew were treated well and given meaningful jobs while they were still on board. And they’d both get some enjoyment out of it, something she’d been without for a long time.

 _Except when she’s fucking holograms,_ he thought bitterly.

Anyway, it was a moot point now; he should have counted on her stubbornness. And if she had looked lovely in her red dress, and felt wonderful in his arms, what did it matter? She was still an obstacle, still preventing them from fulfilling their mission.

Fishing a dermal regenerator from a drawer, he ran it over the scratches on his face, wincing as the skin rapidly healed.

He got ready for bed, a cool shower helping his excitement die down, and sank into bed, punching his pillow a few times before his gaze landed on the picture of his village.

He focused on it for a few minutes, but his mind began to wander.

He couldn’t forget how it had felt to touch her, the taste of her soft skin, her scent. While he pinned her to the wall and bruised her arms, he could almost hear a voice telling him to stop, to be gentle with her...

How he wished she hadn’t struggled. He had always imagined she would melt into his arms...

He fell asleep with a frown on his face.

 

* * * 

 

Chakotay slept badly, and awoke in a foul mood. He immediately commed B’Elanna, who was not yet awake, and tore into her for still being in bed.

“It’s not even six yet,” she said furiously. “What do you expect?”

“Where did you send Paris?” said Chakotay. B’Elanna paused.

“To Chell’s quarters,” she said. “Chell said he wouldn’t mind a room mate.”

Chakotay couldn’t help but smirk. Chell had always been vocal about his dislike of Tom, even after Paris had proven his good character several times over.

“Listen,” said Chakotay. “I’m on my way to Engineering. Meet me there. Looks like we’ll have to get around those codes after all.”

“We’ve tried everything,” said B’Elanna.

“Well, now we try something else,” said Chakotay crossly. “See you down there. Ten minutes.” He ended the call.

“Tuvok to Chakotay,” came a voice, and Chakotay hit his badge again.

“Yes, Tuvok?” he said wearily, straightening his hair.

“Please come to the brig, Captain,” said Tuvok. “I believe I have found a solution to our problem with the command codes.”

“On my way, Tuvok,” said Chakotay, pulling on his boots. Engineering would have to wait.

 _Finally, some good news._

 

* * *

 

Tuvok was waiting for him outside the brig when he arrived.

“What have you got, Tuvok?” he said, and Tuvok motioned for him to enter.

Passing him, Tuvok led him to Janeway’s cell. She was curled up on the bunk, her back to them, and even from this distance Chakotay could see she was shivering violently.

“What’s wrong with her?” said Chakotay, frowning. “Is she sick? Why hasn’t she been beamed to sickbay?”

“There is nothing currently posing a serious risk to her health, Captain,” said Tuvok evenly. “I have determined that the most logical course of action is to coerce her into releasing her command codes.”

“Torture, Tuvok?” said Chakotay in disbelief. “I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye, but I find it difficult to believe that of you.”

“Torture is, perhaps, too strong a word,” said Tuvok, one eyebrow raised slightly. “My idea is to use Vulcan techniques to extract the information from her mind.”

“A mind-meld?” said Chakotay with interest. Kathryn and Tuvok had mind-melded before, with no lasting effects for either.

“Unfortunately, I advised the former Captain to allow me to complete a procedure that would make it impossible for a Vulcan to attain her command codes by such a method,” said Tuvok. “In the event of my being compromised, it was important I could not gain access in this way.”

“So, what then?” said Chakotay.

Tuvok leaned forward and tapped the panel, and the forcefield vanished. Immediately, Chakotay felt a wave of cold hit him as air circulated outwards from the cell, and hissed in surprise.

“Humans use all of their senses to make themselves aware of a situation,” said Tuvok, moving into the cell. “During a mind-meld, the human involved is usually aware that they are in the meld - they are aware of their physical body, and the external stresses upon it. I am attempting, in effect, to distract her conscious mind - make her believe she is somewhere else, using her own memories. This should make her extremely suggestible and more likely to surrender her command codes, without causing her any physical harm. She should have no memory of the procedure.”

“Why not just beam her to the holodeck?” said Chakotay.

“She is an extremely intelligent individual, and no doubt would realize her whereabouts immediately,” said Tuvok. “I am ready to begin.”

Chakotay had never been completely comfortable with mind melds, but saw no other way to proceed. They needed those codes.

“Very well, Tuvok,” he said, and stepped inside the cell before activating the forcefield. The cold pressed around him, and he shuddered. He had always hated the cold.

Tuvok reached for Kathryn’s shoulder and shook her, until she stirred. Chakotay could see the puffs of her breath in the air as she turned her head.

“T-t-t-uvok?” she said, her jaw trembling in the cold.

Tuvok knelt in front of the bench, and for a moment Chakotay saw hope in Kathryn’s eyes, that perhaps Tuvok was back to himself now, that it was all over. He smirked as Tuvok raised his hand to Kathryn’s face.

“What are you -” said Kathryn, her eyes widening as realization hit.

“My mind, to your mind,” intoned Tuvok.

“No!” said Kathryn. She attempted to push his hand away but Tuvok was much stronger, and she was weakened by prolonged exposure to the cold. Tuvok raised his second hand to her face, his grip strong as she tried to twist her head out of his hands.

“Tuvok,” she said, struggling. “Stop this! _You_ are in control of your actions! Not Teero! Try and remember ... try and ...”

Her speech trailed off as her eyes became glassy.

“I have established a link,” said Tuvok, his voice tight as he concentrated. “I am attempting to access the memory.” His brow knotted, and Chakotay took a step forward in concern.

“She is resisting,” said Tuvok. “I am deepening the meld.”

“Are you sure -” began Chakotay, but Tuvok had pressed ahead.

A grimace of pain appeared on Janeway’s face. Chakotay jumped in shock as Kathryn suddenly cried out, and Tuvok straightened, stepping away from her.

“I have accessed the memory,” he said. “It is now forefront in her mind. I believe you should now be able to ask for the codes.”

Chakotay nodded, and approached Kathryn. She lay on her side, her arms wrapped around herself, her eyes starting sightlessly ahead. Her entire body shivered, and she moaned as though in pain.

“Kathryn?” said Chakotay uncertainly. No response.

“Kathryn Janeway!” he said firmly. “Listen to me. There’s something I need to know.”

 

* * *

 

She was aware only of the biting cold for a few moments, before the pain set in. Her leg throbbed fit to burst, and a screaming pain across her abdomen made itself known to her moments later.

 _Probably a broken pelvis_ , she thought to herself, and her leg was probably broken too. And she was so cold. Her seizing muscles made the pain even worse.

She lifted her head slightly from the hard, frozen surface she was lying on and looked out across the icy lake, spotting with a jolt of horror the back end of the shuttle sticking out of the ice. Shifting, she tried to sit up, to drag herself forward even a little, but the pain made her cry out and collapse back to the ice.

 _I have to move_ , she thought. _I have to reach the controls ..._

Slowly, agonizingly, she began to drag herself forward with both arms and her good leg.

Agony screamed through her body, but she pressed on. The edges of her vision blackened, but still she continued; the temptation to let oblivion take her was immense, but she had to save them. If anything happened to them, it would be her fault. Her fault...

 _Kathryn..._

She lifted her head slightly, her wet, frozen hair whipping around her face. She could see no one for miles is any direction. The wind swirled eddies of snow around her, obscuring her vision, and she shuffled forward again.

The ice beneath the shuttle creaked ominously, and Kathryn's stomach plummeted. She couldn't lose them! What would she do without them?

The stab of terror gave her the adrenaline boost she needed, and she had made it almost halfway to the shuttle when she heard the voice again.

 _Kathryn Janeway!_

"Yes," she said, her voice piteously quiet. She licked her cracked lips. "Yes!" she said again, her voice gaining strength.

 _Listen to me_ , said the voice.

"Yes!” said Kathryn. "Where are you? I need help!"

The shouting was painful, and she realized she must have bruised her ribs in the crash. She took a breath, and called again.

"Hello? Please, are you there?"

 _There’s something I need to know_ , said the voice.

"Anything," said Kathryn weakly. "Please, help them! They're trapped! I can't get to them ... "

Although she had only covered half of the distance she needed to, it had drained her already depleted reserves, and she let her head fall onto the ice. She was so, so tired, and just wanted to sleep...

 _Kathryn!_ came the voice again. She was beginning to think she recognized it, though she couldn't place where from. She knew, somehow, that she could trust that voice.

"I'm here," she whispered. She couldn't shout any more. There was no way the man could hear her - he must be too far away. She wept, the tears freezing to her face.

She felt fingers brush the tear away, and then she jerked upright with a gasp - someone had slapped her.

She looked around wildly, trying to spot her mysterious assailant, but there was still nothing to be seen to the horizon in any direction.

She put a hand to her stinging cheek, her heart hammering wildly against her ribcage. Was she hallucinating? Had she actually blacked out from the cold and this was a dream?

 _Your command codes, Kathryn,_ came the mysterious voice again. _Tell me._

Her command codes? She was only a junior Lieutenant, she didn't have command codes.

"I don't know what you mean," she said in a whimper. "Please help them."

 _The codes!_ Said the voice. _And I promise I'll help them._

Kathryn racked her brains. What codes could he be referring to?

 _Voyager_ , she thought. But what was Voyager?

A sequence popped into her head. Meaningless, without reference, she mulled the words and numbers over in her head.

 _They're mine. I mustn't tell him. Mustn't tell anyone._

 _Kathryn,_ said the voice insistently. _Please. We haven't much time._

The ice under the shuttle creaked again, and Kathryn saw a crack begin to spread across the ice, towards her.

"Please!" she said desperately. "Please! Can't you help them?"

She was sobbing now, desperate, and the voice seemed to have vanished.

“Please!” she screamed again.

 _The codes,_ came the voice, as though someone were speaking in her ear.

"I can't..." said Kathryn. Confused, blinded by the whirling snow, she squinted towards the shuttle. She watched, struck motionless with horror, as the crack widened into a hole, and the shuttle sank through it like a rock. Within seconds, the shuttle and the two people she loved the most in the world were gone.

As the full gravity of her situation hit her, Kathryn collapsed onto the ice, a gut-wrenching scream erupting from the depths of her being.

 

* * *

 

"Tuvok!" said Chakotay urgently. "It's not working. She won't tell me the codes."

Tuvok swiftly moved to Kathryn's side. She was writhing on her bunk, tears coursing down her cheeks. He reached out and placed his hands to her face again, and Chakotay waited for her distress to subside. He needed the codes, but not like this.

Kathryn, who had quieted, was very still now, but her face was still in a grimace of agony.

"Your codes," intoned Tuvok. "Tell me Voyager's command codes."

"No," whimpered Kathryn. "No! Leave me alone... They're gone..."

Tuvok's expression became strangely blank, and Kathryn began to scream. Chakotay didn't know what Tuvok was showing her, but clearly she was suffering.

"Tuvok!" he said. "That's enough."

Tuvok either couldn't hear him or ignored him, as he continued his efforts. To Chakotay’s surprise, Kathryn’s face relaxed slightly.

“Tu ... Tuvok?” she said uncertainly. “I know you...”

“Yes,” said Tuvok. “I am your friend.”

“Yes,” said Kathryn. “I remember. But I don’t understand...”

“You must give me your command codes,” said Tuvok’s voice firmly. “It is imperative that you follow my instructions.”

“I can’t,” said Kathryn.

“You must,” insisted Tuvok.

“No!” yelled Kathryn, and Chakotay jumped. “Tuvok,” she said, sagging slightly in his grip. “I’m dying.”

Chakotay felt his stomach clench at her words, before he considered how useful it would be if she were to die accidentally at Tuvok’s hands, as the codes would automatically transfer to him. He wondered why he hadn’t considered this as a possibility before...

“You are not,” said Tuvok. “I will save you. You need only tell me your codes.”

“Please,” she said. “You know I can’t. You said you were my friend. I know you’re my friend. And I need you now ... please, help me...”

To Chakotay’s shock, a moment later she lost consciousness and collapsed into Tuvok’s waiting arms. He lowered her to the bunk and straightened.

“What happened?” demanded Chakotay. “She’d better not be dead. We’re having enough trouble containing the Fleeters as it is - if she dies we’ll have a full-scale riot on our hands.”

Kathryn moaned, and Chakotay sighed in relief. She was alive. Not the he cared either way, but he had enough to deal with without the Fleeters revolting.

“I am afraid my plan has been unsuccessful, Sir,” said Tuvok blandly. “Perhaps we should attempt to think of an alternative and meet tomorrow to discuss -”

“Fine,” snapped Chakotay. “Go. And you’d better have some good news for me by oh-six-hundred.”

“Yes, Sir,” said Tuvok, deactivating the forcefield and stepping out. Chakotay felt it crackle back into place behind him.

He sank to the floor of the cell, his back to the wall, and waited for Kathryn to wake.

 

* * *

 

The first thing Kathryn noticed as she came to was that the room was warmer. Despite the warmth, though, she felt shivery and stiff.

She sat up, dizzy, and spotted Chakotay sitting on the floor of her cell, regarding her with cold eyes.

“Chakotay,” she said, surprised to find her throat was sore, her voice cracked. “What are you doing here?”

“This is your last chance, Kathryn,” he said. “I need those codes.”

Kathryn raised a hand to her head, which was pounding.

“Forget it,” she said, squeezing her eyes shut against the pain. “I’ll never tell you.”

He went silent, and she wondered if he was thinking of another way to try and convince her, when she was grabbed roughly by the arms and hauled from her bunk. Chakotay slammed her against the wall of the brig.

“Tell me!” he said, his mouth twisted into a snarl.

“Or what?” she spat. “You’ll kill me? I don’t think so.” She barked out a laugh. “The fact is, you still can’t run this ship without us. Like you said, _Captain_ \- you need us.”

Her smile vanished as Chakotay’s face twisted with fury. He pulled her away from the wall with a roar of anger and pushed her away from him, with all his might. Kathryn hit the opposite wall and fell awkwardly, sliding down it to the floor. Her temple had contacted with the wall first, and white dots swam in front of her eyes. For a moment she blinked to clear her vision, and saw Chakotay standing above her.

“You’re wrong,” he said angrily. “We don’t need you, or your crew. I never want to kill unnecessarily, Kathryn, which is why we’re working to try and find a planet for you. But, as we haven’t been successful, it looks like your resourceful crew are going to have to do the work instead.”

He tapped his combadge. “Chakotay to Torres.”

“Torres here.”

“Start moving the Fleeters to the escape pods. Small groups at a time, so the others won’t know. Launch the pods as soon as they’re full. Disable everything except navigation and life support. Once the pods are all away, raise the shields. We’ll go to warp eight on my command.”

If this surprised Torres, she didn’t show it - in fact, Kathryn could hear the enthusiasm in her voice as she answered, and Chakotay cut the comm link.

“You’ll be on the last pod,” he said. “It shouldn’t be so difficult to meet up with the others, and you’ll have a full navigational system, ready to start finding yourselves a new colony.”

“Please don’t do this,” said Kathryn evenly, the throbbing in her head making her stomach roil. She was finding it difficult to speak clearly, and Chakotay seemed blurry as she gazed up at him.

“Give me the codes,” said Chakotay.

Kathryn looked away from him, at the carpet. Her head spun, and she searched for the right words.

“No,” she ground out, and he reached down to grab her chin, yanking her head up to look at him. She twisted her head out of his grasp roughly.

With a crack, Chakotay backhanded her across the cheek, and she sprawled on the deck. A strange sense of deja vu passed over her for a moment as she cradled her stinging cheek.

“Why can’t you understand?” he yelled, his face reddening. “I should have known - you’re Starfleet, you’re one of _them_! You say you care about me, say you _love_ me, but in the end you don’t care about me, about what happened to my family!”

He laughed at her look of confusion.

“I read your personal logs, Kathryn,” he said. “I don’t know why it took me so long. It was very interesting reading.” He crouched down and peered into her face. “I know how you feel about me. And you _still_ won’t help me. Is that what love is to you? Your precious Starfleet principles mean more to you than the people you say you love, don’t they?”

Before she could reply, he seized her wrists and hauled her up from the floor, backing her into the bulkhead. Dizzy, nauseous, she closed her eyes, and he shook her shoulders roughly.

“Help me!” he hissed into her face.

“I won’t,” she said, struggling to stay awake. Seconds later, an impossibly hard punch to her midsection made her double over, gasping for breath.

“This won’t work,” she choked. When she could breathe, she looked into his black, livid eyes. There was nothing of the kind, gentle man she knew there, and she had to remind herself that although this was physically her friend, he simply wasn’t there any more.

“Is this the way you do things in the Maquis?” she wheezed. He released her, and she dropped to her knees.

“You can hit me as much as you want,” she said defiantly, blood running from her split lip. “I will _never_ help you.”

Chakotay, fury flowing through every vein, saw red. This woman - this _Fleeter_ \- was the final barrier between him and the next stage of his mission. He would not be held back any longer. He would avenge his family.

He pulled back his fist.

 

* * *

 

Awareness returned slowly to Chakotay. The first thing he became aware of was a shooting pain in his shoulder, and a throbbing headache. He cracked his eyes open to see Tuvok’s frowning face peering at him.

“Commander,” said Tuvok. “Are you alright?”

Commander?

 _Oh, God._

A stream of images played out in Chakotay’s mind. The switch being tripped when he’d heard Tuvok’s ancient Bajoran incantation through his combadge. His pride in the Maquis. His anger and frustration about being so far from the fight, building, always building. His anger with Kathryn for refusing to surrender her codes...

 _Kathryn_ ... pinned against the wall of his quarters, begging him to stop ... curled up on her bunk in the brig, shivering … and then a pain, an agonizing pain in his shoulder...

“Kathryn,” he muttered, attempting to scramble to his feet. Tuvok restrained him with one hand, and Chakotay looked around frantically.

“Where is she?” he said, twisting to look up at Tuvok.

“She was eager to return to duty,” said Tuvok. “Has the mind control been broken, Commander?”

“Yes,” said Chakotay, rubbing his forehead roughly. “What happened?”

“During my mind-meld with Captain Janeway, I believe she was able to reach a part of my consciousness that Teero’s mind control had not managed to fully penetrate. The Vulcan mind has many layers, and the meld I initiated with her was extremely deep. As I was able to probe deep into her mind, she was able to see deep into mine. Once the mind control had been lifted enough for me to regain control of myself, I left to find the rest of the Maquis and return them to normal.”

“Why didn’t you start with me?” said Chakotay, flexing his hand. It hurt like hell, and it bothered him that he couldn’t remember why.

“I did not wish to arouse your suspicion,” said Tuvok. “We were locked together in the brig. If you had imprisoned me along with the Captain, I would have been unable to release the rest of the affected crew. Once I had restored several others, I was able to return with a security detail.”

“You mind melded with me?” said Chakotay.

“Yes,” said Tuvok. “Aside from a headache, you should feel no ill-effects.”

“I don’t remember you coming in at all,” said Chakotay, frowning. “I can’t remember anything after arriving down here.”

Tuvok’s eyebrow raised infinitesimally.

“It is not unknown for humans to suffer a slight memory loss after the procedure,” he said. “You may find the memories resurface on their own in time.”

Chakotay stood slowly.

“Thank you, Tuvok,” he said. “I should get to the bridge.”

“Perhaps a visit to sickbay first?” said Tuvok.

Chakotay smiled weakly.

“As much as I hate to say it - I agree,” he said.

 

* * *

 

Chakotay’s visit to sickbay was brief - the Doctor patched up his hand and gave him an analgesic, but was oddly silent when doing so. On the few occasions he met his gaze, Chakotay was sure he could see intense dislike in the Doctor’s expression.

He remained silent, as he was anxious to get out of sickbay and track down Kathryn. He wished his loss of memories had included the contents of her personal logs, but a small part of him was pleased that he finally knew the truth about her feelings.

He wondered, though, what this sequence of events would have done to those feelings. His cheeks flushed with shame, and something else, as he remembered ravishing her against the wall of his quarters.

He loathed himself for having done that to her. He had used her feelings to manipulate and coerce her, and had hurt her physically in the process. He would go to her, apologize and hope she could forgive him. He knew in his heart that he would never, ever do that to her when he was himself - he just hoped she knew that too.

The Doctor snippily released him to duty, and he immediately requested the Captain’s whereabouts. She was in her ready room, and he headed straight there.

When he arrived, he was surprised at the length of the delay before she called him in.

As he entered, she rose slowly from her chair and looked at him, her gaze inscrutable. She looked fine, if rather tired, and he was relieved to see it.

“Commander,” she said, hesitation in her tone. “I take it you’re yourself again?”

“Yes, Captain,” he said quietly, stepping forward. “Your ship is yours again.”

She nodded curtly and sat down, and he lowered himself into one of the chairs opposite her. He couldn’t help but notice she lowered herself into hear seat rather gingerly, and he frowned.

“Are you all right?” he said, and she waved a hand.

“Fine,” she said. “You?”

“The Doctor’s given me a clean bill of health,” he said.

“Good,” said Kathryn.

They lapsed into silence for a moment.

“We have a great deal to do to clean up this mess,” said Kathryn, sighing. “The crew is as divided now as it’s ever been. It’s easy on the surface to accept that everyone’s back to normal, but in reality, people are going to be unsure around each other for a while.”

“Does that include us?” said Chakotay. Kathryn stood, and moved to the replicator.

“It wasn’t your fault,” she said, her back to him, and Chakotay wasn’t entirely convinced by her tone.

“Still,” he said, as she returned to her seat clutching a cup of coffee. “I need to apologize. I -” He looked away from her.

“I treated you very badly. I know I hurt you. I’m more sorry for that than I can say.” He looked back up and met her unflinching gaze.

“I care about you, Captain, and the last thing I would do is hurt you, or try to undermine your command. The trust you’ve placed in me over the years has meant the world to me, and I’m worried this has destroyed that trust.” He licked his dry lips.

Kathryn took a sip of her coffee.

“I’ll admit - your actions did hurt me. However - and this is important - I know it wasn’t really you. Despite what happened, I still believe you would not deliberately hurt me. And I’ve always trusted you with my ship, as I have with my life.”

She saw him practically sag with relief.

“Thank you, Kathryn,” he said. “You don’t know what that means to me.”

She nodded.

“Well,” she said after a pause. “I need to get back to work. I’ve a great deal to catch up on.”

“Let me help you,” he said.

“I’m sure you have enough work of your own to be doing,” she said. “And you have your crew to deal with. This is going to be a very difficult time for them.”

“ _My_ crew?” said Chakotay, smiling slightly. His face fell as Kathryn stayed silent, her gaze fixed on her monitor.

“Was there something else?” she said after a long moment.

Chakotay desperately wanted to ask her about her personal logs, but now wasn’t the time.

“No, Captain,” he said, rising. “I should let you get on.”

“Dismissed,” she said quietly, and he left.

 

* * *

 

On the surface, life on Voyager seemed to return to normal. The majority of the Maquis crewmembers were upset by the way they had treated their Starfleet comrades while under Teero’s influence, and were eager to make amends - social events were planned, including a cinema night. Chakotay spotted Kathryn’s auburn head as soon as he entered the holodeck, but Tuvok headed straight over to her so he stayed back, sitting with Neelix and some of the others.

He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but he had been uncomfortable around Tuvok since the insurrection had ended. Tuvok was often present at the meetings he’d formerly had alone with Kathryn, and while Tuvok’s presence wasn’t intrusive to their work, it added a level of formality that wasn’t normally present. He missed the relaxed atmosphere of their meetings, and had noticed Tuvok being called to the Captain’s ready room more than usual.

Watching Tuvok take his seat next to Kathryn, he couldn’t help but think back to the way things were when he first came aboard. Kathryn had been cautious around him at first, but had seemed to place her trust in him very quickly. Tuvok had been a lot more difficult to win over, and there were days even now when he still wondered if Tuvok entirely trusted him.

His dinners with Kathryn continued, but to him it seemed as though she were holding herself back somehow. He still had not managed to bring up the topic of her personal logs - their friendship was on rocky ground as it was, and he didn’t want to alienate her further.

Upon returning to the ship to find Kathryn and the rest of the crew missing after an away mission a few months later, Chakotay was gripped with terror. What if she was dead, and he’d missed the only opportunity to tell her how he felt?

The discovery of her blossoming romance with another man had come as a shock, and had forced him to realize something he’d suspected since the incident - what he had done had destroyed any feelings she might once have had for him.

On returning to Voyager, her loneliness was almost palpable, but she seemed even more remote than before. Their dinners decreased in frequency, although there were still times when he thought things seemed to be getting back to normal. One night, an anomaly sent him back to a time before he and Kathryn had met, and the spark between him and the younger Kathryn delighted him. The return to his time, to his Kathryn, was a stark difference. She was more relaxed around him, certainly, but the romantic tension between them seemed to have disappeared completely. Surely it couldn’t all have been in his head to begin with? Why else would the younger Kathryn have asked if they were ever more to each other than just colleagues?

Saddened, his interest was piqued when Seven of Nine invited him for a meal. They had shared an interesting experience on a recent away mission, and he found he didn’t find her company as objectionable as he once had. While some of her humor undoubtedly came from the Doctor, he could see several facets of Kathryn’s personality emerging in her too, which fascinated him.

But more importantly, he felt wanted, desired, for the first time in years.

What did he have to lose?

 

* * *

 

Chakotay pushed his fingers through his hair. He’d just taken an analgesic for his almost constant headache, and hurled the empty hypospray casing towards the recycler, which it hit with a dull clang.

Since arriving home his life seemed to have taken a turn for the worse. On Voyager, he had always assumed that getting home would free him to truly begin his life, away from the confines of duty and his rank.

The reality was proving quite different to anything he’d imagined. Far from bringing them closer together, their sudden arrival in the Alpha quadrant had put an end to his and Seven’s brief, doomed romance. The time apart during debriefings, and the chaos of arriving home, had given both of them time to think, and Seven had re-assessed her life and his role in it. She still wished to be friends, but did not think a romantic liaison would be “appropriate at this time”.

He didn’t quite understand and was hurt by her rejection of him, but she was soon gone, to stay with her remaining family members. B’Elanna, who he had often discussed problems with in the past, was fully occupied with her new baby and meeting Tom’s family, as well as her own father, who had travelled to Earth to see her and his granddaughter.

Both Tuvok and Harry were currently on Earth, but the idea of going to either of them with his personal problems was almost laughable. And Kathryn...

They had barely spoken since Voyager had returned. He knew she had gone to her mother’s for a while, but hadn’t heard from her since the end of debriefings. He couldn’t imagine getting in touch with her out of the blue only to discuss his relationship with Seven. Although he had no specific reason to feel guilty about it, he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to hurt her any more than he already had.

It was possible, he admitted to himself, that part of him _wanted_ her to feel hurt - her jealousy would at least mean she still felt something for him.

His life on Earth became rather a solitary one - he was grateful not to have been imprisoned, but all of Voyager’s crew were on mandatory leave and he found himself at a loose end. He considered leaving Earth to visit his sister, but the journey was long and part of him was reluctant to leave Earth for such a long time. Sekaya had said she would come to Earth to see him as soon as the planting season came to an end, which was several months away.

He availed himself of his accommodation’s gym facilities, and spent the rest of the time putting together his notes on the anthropological features of many of the species they’d encountered in the Delta Quadrant, but his heart wasn’t truly in it. He slept late, and replicated his meals as he had done on Voyager, finding cooking just for himself rather joyless.

He missed cooking, he thought, missed someone else enjoying his efforts along with him.

He missed a lot of things.

 

* * *

 

Chakotay couldn’t have been more surprised when Kathryn’s face appeared on his vidscreen a few days later.

“Hello, Chakotay,” she said, her smile tight. She was in casual clothes, her hair loose, and she looked well rested.

“Hi,” he said, sitting down at his desk. “I didn’t expect to hear from you,” he blurted out.

She looked away for a moment.

“I know,” she said. “And let me start by apologizing for that. I’ve spent the last few weeks following up with all of the crew, making sure everyone’s adjusting, or isn’t alone ... I should have come to you first.”

He sighed. Here he was, thinking she was ignoring him, when she had still been working tirelessly to protect her crew.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” he said. “The crew _should_ come first. I do wish you‘d told me, though; I could have helped you.”

She shrugged. “It’s done, now. You’ll be pleased to know that everyone’s settling in well. Well, there are a couple of exceptions, but I think they’ll be alright, given time.” She leaned in slightly. “Now, how about you?”

He shrugged nonchalantly. “I’m doing OK.”

“Really?” said Kathryn. She hesitated. “I spoke to Seven the other day.”

“Oh?” said Chakotay, his nonchalance now sounding rather forced. “How is she?”

“She’s great,” said Kathryn. “Her family are delighted to have her home, and it’s doing her a world of good to spend time with them.”

“That’s good news,” said Chakotay.

“I’m sorry about what happened,” said Kathryn after a pause. “Have you been okay?”

He shrugged again. “I suppose so. It’s been pretty quiet around here, though, I could have done with some invading Borg cubes for a bit of distraction.”

She smiled properly for the first time since she’d called. “I know what you mean! Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful to relax, and see my family - but I’ll admit, I’m going a little stir-crazy out here.”

Chakotay nodded, knowing only too well how she felt.

“Perhaps we could grab dinner some time soon?” he said. Speaking to her, he realized he’d missed her terribly in the weeks they’d been apart. As strained as things had become between them, she was still his closest friend and he’d become accustomed to seeing her every day.

“I’d love to,” she said. “Where should we go?”

“I could cook,” said Chakotay, enthusiasm for the idea already brewing.

“Ooh, I’d like that,” said Kathryn with a grin. “You haven’t cooked for me for a long time.”

“I have,” said Chakotay defensively.

“Oh?” said Kathryn, cupping her chin in one hand. “And when was the last time?”

Chakotay racked his brains. Now she mentioned it, it had been quite a while.

“See,” said Kathryn triumphantly.

“Well, let me make it up to you, then,” he said. “How’s Friday?”

“Friday’s fine,” said Kathryn. “I can’t wait.”

 

* * *

 

“Well,” said Kathryn. “I must say, you’ve outdone yourself. I feel thoroughly spoiled.”

Chakotay smiled. He’d spent most of the day preparing their meal, but the majority of the satisfaction he’d gleaned from it had been from watching her reactions. He’d made sure to make dishes he knew she’d love, and he watched as she wiped the last of her salted caramel sauce from her dish with a fingertip.

He hadn’t had any other visitors to his Starfleet apartment since moving in, and it was wonderful to have her here, her familiar voice recounting what she’d been doing during her leave ... they’d stood in his kitchen sipping wine while he put the finishing touches to their meal and for a little while, it had been like old times.

Now the food was eaten, they lapsed into silence.

“Can I ask you something?” said Chakotay, breaking the silence.

“Sure,” said Kathryn, her eyes heavy-lidded from all the good food and wine. “Anything.”

“We never did discuss what happened with Teero,” he said, and he noticed her happy, relaxed expression falter slightly. “I’ve wondered ever since how you felt about it. We should probably have discussed it sooner, but there never seemed to be a good time.”

“I suppose there wasn’t,” said Kathryn. “And you think now is?”

“I don’t want to spoil our evening,” said Chakotay. “But I think things have been different between us since then, and I’d like to try and sort things out.”

“Different in what way?” said Kathryn, her eyes narrowing.

“It’s difficult to explain,” said Chakotay. “But you must have noticed. I know a lot’s happened in the last year - it was probably one of the worst years we had out there. In the past, when terrible things happened, even when we had disagreements, we came though it stronger. But after Teero, it seemed like something changed in our friendship.” He swallowed. “I just wanted to understand why. I know it didn’t affect the running of the ship - but our friendship was very important to me on a personal level.”

“Was?” said Kathryn quietly.

“Sorry,” said Chakotay. “Is. Of course it still is.”

“It is for me too,” said Kathryn. “It’s been strange not seeing you every day since we got home.”

“I’ve been thinking the same thing,” said Chakotay. “But what happened to us, Kathryn?”

Kathryn rose suddenly, and walked over to the living area. He recognized her need for space and stood too, but didn’t follow her.

“You are my most trusted friend,” she said. “Tuvok is another. That it was the two of you -” she paused, to gather her thoughts. “I know it wasn’t you, wasn’t either of you, not really. But still - it was unsettling, to say the least, that the two of you were used against me like that.”

“Are you talking about what happened in my quarters?” said Chakotay. It was the first time either of them had spoken about it.

“Yes,” said Kathryn. “But I know you weren’t yourself then.”

“I would never hurt you,” said Chakotay, and Kathryn frowned.

“I know that,” she said. “From the reports I read, it seems Teero’s brainwashing was designed to wipe everything deemed irrelevant from your mind - so, friendships, relationships, anything that might be a distraction or detract from the mission.”

“I can believe that,” said Chakotay. “I shot Tom, right in front of B’Elanna - and she didn’t even bat an eyelid.”

Kathryn nodded.

“I’m truly sorry I read your personal logs,” said Chakotay. “I hate to think I invaded your privacy like that.”

“If nothing else, it was good to know you resisted all these years,” said Kathryn. “You obviously knew how to get into them, and yet even when you hardly knew me, you didn’t peek. Most people stranded with an enemy would have done all they could to find out any potential weaknesses.”

“It just seemed wrong,” said Chakotay. “I read your Starfleet record, but I felt your personal log shouldn’t come into the equation.” He sighed. “I’m sorry it ended up doing so.”

“It’s not your fault,” said Kathryn. “From your point of view at the time, it was probably a sound strategic move when deciding how to deal with me.”

“Something I’m afraid I did very badly,” he said. “Kathryn - I’m so sorry for that night, for what I did to you. I get so angry with myself when I think about it-”

“Well, don’t!” said Kathryn. “I didn’t exactly enjoy it myself, but it wasn’t you. That’s what I kept telling myself at the time - and it’s true.”

He nodded. “That’s what I keep telling myself too - but it doesn’t make the memories any easier to live with.” He looked at her.

“I’d fantasized about holding you before - but never like that,” he said, smiling ruefully.

“Chakotay,” she said, blushing slightly.

“Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Well, you did listen to my logs,” she said. “So I suppose you know I’d thought about the same scenario.”

“A long time ago,” he said, slightly wistfully.

“Not so very long,” she said.

“Sorry?” said Chakotay, confused.

“I mean, I know when you were under Teero’s control you attempted to seduce me into helping you,” she said matter-of-factly, as though it hadn’t horrified her to her core at the time. “Those feelings that you said you had for me, they weren’t real.” She sighed. “In a way, that was the worst of it. You had lost all your memories of our wonderful friendship, or everything we’d meant to each other - and yet you were pretending to have even deeper feelings for me than you ever had in real life.”

She sagged onto his couch.

“It’s ironic, really,” she said, as Chakotay joined her.

“I know,” he said. “Finally, I make a move, and it’s when I’m not even myself and you’ve already moved on.”

He smiled fondly at her. “We have lousy timing,” he said, but she was frowning at him.

“What’s wrong?” he said.

“What do you mean I moved on?” she said.

“Well, those log entries were from quite a long time ago,” he said. “You moved on to other people since then.”

“What other people?” said Kathryn, almost scowling now.

“Well, there was the bartender in Fair Haven -”

“He was a hologram!” said Kathryn.

“But you had feelings for him,” said Chakotay gently. “And then there was Jaffen.”

“Oh, come on,” said Kathryn angrily. “You of all people should understand that I wasn’t exactly myself then either. I wasn’t just brainwashed - my memories were gone. That was hardly an indicator that I had _moved on_ , as you put it.”

Chakotay’s mind was spinning.

“So you didn’t -” he began. He swallowed nervously before continuing. “You still feel the same way? Even after what happened?”

“Oh, Chakotay,” said Kathryn, taking his hand. “I suppose there’s a part of me that always will. I know we missed our chance - that ship sailed a long time ago - but I still treasure our friendship. It means more to me than you know.” She squeezed his fingers.

“Why do you say we missed our chance?” said Chakotay, capturing her hand in his larger ones. “I would have thought this was our best chance yet.” His heart hammered against his ribcage. That she had just admitted she still had feelings for him had turned his world upside down. Was it possible, after all these years, there could finally be a chance for them?

She smiled kindly.

“It’s alright,” she said. “You don’t have to protect me. I thought at one time that you had feelings for me. Perhaps you did. I also know that if you did, it was a long, long time ago. I was sad when you moved on, because it was the end of the fantasies I’d had about what would happen after we got home. But I was also relieved, because more than anything I wanted you to be happy.” She rested her palm against his cheek.

Chakotay took in her words, and couldn’t help himself. He began to laugh.

“What?” said Kathryn, her hand caught in mid-air. Before she knew what was happening, Chakotay had pulled her into an embrace.

“I can’t believe us,” he said. “All this time I’ve been assuming what happened with Teero killed your feelings for me, and you assumed I got over you years ago.” He pulled back and looked at her.

“I didn’t get over you,” he said quietly. “That’s why I hated hurting you like that, even if I wasn’t myself at the time. I wanted the first time I kissed you to be special, not - like _that_.”

“But what about Seven?” Kathryn blurted out.

“I told you,” he said. “I’d assumed you no longer felt the same way about me. What happened with Jaffen just seemed to cement that. Also, I felt that while you were commanding Voyager, you would never feel free to be in a relationship with me.”

“Or anyone,” said Kathryn, sighing.

“So when she asked me out, I saw no harm in it,” he said. “I was flattered. It was - enjoyable enough.” He rested his forehead against hers. “But I think we both knew it wasn’t going anywhere, once we got back to Earth.”

“That’s not what I heard,” said Kathryn. “After what the Admiral said to me, I knew any chance we might have had was gone forever.”

“Why, what did she say?” said Chakotay in alarm, pulling back.

“In her timeline, her Chakotay and Seven were married,” she said. “So as you can imagine, I thought it must be pretty serious.”

“I don’t know what to say,” said Chakotay. “Only that this timeline’s turning out very differently.”

Kathryn nodded.

“I should correct you on one thing, though,” she said seriously.

“What’s that?” said Chakotay, worried.

“You said before that you regretted our first kiss had been in that situation. Well, we didn’t kiss. Not really, anyway.” She smiled lopsidedly at him, and his heart seemed to constrict.

Unwilling to wait any longer, and seizing the opportunity she had presented him with, he leaned forward and closed the distance between them. Encouraged by the fact she hadn't backed away, he cupped her cheek and pressed his lips to hers.

Their first kiss was soft, gentle, and after a moment he leaned back slightly to see the soft smile that graced her features. His thumb stroked over her cheekbone as she leaned forward this time, kissing him more firmly.

Now they were on the same page, their kisses were more confident; Chakotay slid his hand around to the back of Kathryn's head to slide into her hair. Holding her close, he felt the very tip of her tongue against his lips and parted them gladly for her.

They shifted even closer, hands roaming, kisses becoming more insistent, before they broke off and sat holding each other, foreheads touching, breathing hard.

"I hope that was a more acceptable first kiss," said Chakotay, licking his already moist lips.

"Oh, it was more than acceptable," purred Kathryn. Chakotay enjoyed the breathless tone in her voice. She pressed her lips to his again, softly, before lowering her hands to his chest.

"I should be off soon," she said wistfully. Chakotay made a decision.

"You don't have to go," he said, covering her hands with his. She smiled.

"I think I should," she said. "I don't want us to rush headlong into this and regret it in the morning. We should both sleep on it."

"I can assure you I would never regret it," he said. "And I don't need to sleep on it. I know how I feel about you." He leaned closer again. "I know that I want you."

She kissed his cheek and stood.

"I want you too," she said. "But it's been an intense evening, and you look like you need an early night."

"I'm fine," said Chakotay, frowning. He did have a headache, but he was used to them nowadays.

"Are you sure?" said Kathryn.

"Just a headache," said Chakotay. "I can get an analgesic."

"You should," said Kathryn. "And plenty of sleep. Who knows,” she continued, grinning wickedly. “You might need your strength tomorrow."

Chakotay grinned wolfishly and followed her to the door.

"Can I at least kiss you goodnight?" he said.

"Oh, of course," said Kathryn, and he lowered his mouth to hers again.

Kathryn stood in Chakotay's embrace, sharing a gentle kiss, for several minutes until she pulled away.

"I’ll see you tomorrow?" she said.

"Count on it," he said. "Breakfast?"

Kathryn chuckled. "Let's make it brunch. Eleven, at my place?"

"See you then," he said, and leaned forward for one last stolen kiss before she left.

He watched her leave until she rounded the corner and was out of sight.

Tidying away the dishes, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror, and he no longer had to wonder why Kathryn had thought he should get an early night. His eyes were rimmed with dark circles, and he had to admit his headache was getting worse. She had been right - when they took the next step together, he wanted to be completely well, to be able to show her how much he loved her and how long he had been waiting for her.

He replicated an analgesic, took it and went about his normal bedtime routine. He was exhausted, and his last thoughts as he fell asleep were of the warm, silky feel of Kathryn's lips, and the joy of having her in his arms at last.

 

* * *

 

Chakotay awoke the next morning feeling even worse than he had the night before. His headache was already encroaching on his senses, and he rubbed his temples as he rose.

He prepared for the day like an automaton, and was fifteen minutes late meeting Kathryn. He knew she was a stickler for punctuality and hoped she wouldn’t be too annoyed.

She opened the door when he buzzed, and her face fell as she saw him.

“Chakotay,” she said, pulling him inside. “You look awful. Are you alright?”

“Just a headache,” he said.

“That’s what you said yesterday,” she said. “You still have it?”

“I’ve been having them on and off for months,” he said. “The Doctor checked me when we were still on Voyager, and he found nothing wrong. I’ve been getting them more since we got home.” He chuckled tiredly. “Maybe it’s leola root withdrawal.”

He smiled at her, but Kathryn still looked worried.

“Look, don’t worry about it,” he said. “I have an analgesic with me.”

“When did the headaches start?” said Kathryn.

“I’m not sure, exactly,” said Chakotay. Kathryn looked at him curiously.

“Do you think it was after Teero?” she said.

Chakotay’s eyebrow rose.

“It’s possible,” he said. “I certainly don’t remember having them beforehand.”

“I had a headache for weeks after my mind melds,” said Kathryn. “But it’s been _months_ since Teero.”

“If it is some after effect of a mind meld,” said Chakotay, “Then why is it only affecting me? Tuvok mind-melded with all the former Maquis.”

Kathryn went quiet.

“I think we should pay Tuvok a visit,” she said eventually. “He might be able to help.”

Chakotay was reluctant – he’d hoped to spend the day alone with her – but the possibility of a release for his headaches did sound good.

“You may be right,” he admitted. “He might know what to do.”

Kathryn immediately headed for her comm unit to contact Tuvok. He was available, and offered to meet them in his office at the Vulcan Embassy as soon as they could get there.

They decided to walk across, to take advantage of the decent weather, and as they walked arm in arm through a beautiful park, Chakotay couldn’t help but notice that Kathryn was very quiet.

“Something on your mind?” he said, after the fifth or sixth sentence he’d spoken that she’d failed to reply to.

“No,” she said off-handedly.

“Actually, yes,” she said, stopping suddenly. “Sorry. Yes, there is something. It’s something I should have told you about a long time ago.”

Looking around, she gestured to a nearby bench, and they crossed the path to it.

“I know why you’ve been getting headaches,” admitted Kathryn once they were seated.

“You do?” said Chakotay in confusion. “How?”

“Because it’s my fault,” said Kathryn sadly.

“How can it be your fault?” said Chakotay. Kathryn looked out over the park.

“Before Tuvok mind melded with you to rid you of Teero’s influence, what’s the last thing you remember?” she said.

Chakotay thought.

“Tuvok called me down to the brig,” he said. “Said he had some idea about how to get your command codes. Then, when I got to the brig, he wasn’t there. He came up behind me and nerve-pinched me. I must have blacked out, because that’s the last thing I remember before waking up as myself again.”

“That isn’t what happened,” said Kathryn.

“What are you saying?” said Chakotay, his eyes narrowing.

“You were in the brig a lot longer than a few moments,” she said. “Tuvok mind-melded with you to remove the brainwashing, but he also buried several memories from the time you were down there.”

“He buried some of my memories?” said Chakotay incredulously. “Which memories?”

“He was telling the truth when he said he had a plan to get my command codes,” said Kathryn. “His plan involved a mind-meld – with me. He used a memory from my past to make me more suggestible.”

“I don’t understand,” said Chakotay.

“He chose – an unpleasant memory,” said Kathryn, remembering the cold with a shiver. “He hoped that by bringing the memory to the surface of my mind and creating a physical environment which matched the memory, I would become disorientated enough to reveal the codes when pressed.”

Chakotay’s mouth was open in shock.

“Obviously, he didn’t succeed,” Kathryn continued.

“But there’s more, isn’t there?” said Chakotay. “Tuvok would have no reason to just erase that from my memory. What happened after that?”

Kathryn looked at him desperately.

“You really want to know?” she said. “Does it matter?”

“Of course it matters!” said Chakotay angrily. “I’ve just found out there’s a portion of my memory missing, and I want to know what happened!”

Kathryn swallowed before she continued.

“You were still under Teero’s control,” she said. “And you were frustrated at Tuvok’s lack of success, and my recalcitrance in helping you. So you – lashed out.”

“What does that mean?” said Chakotay, a note of desperation creeping into his voice. “Lashed out? At who?”

Kathryn looked him in the eye.

“At me,” she said. Chakotay’s face fell, and her heart clenched to see it.

“What happened?” said Chakotay quietly. “Did I hurt you?”

Kathryn couldn’t lie to him.

“Yes,” she said. “But as you can see, no lasting damage was done. I’m only telling you this because obviously the meld used to hide the memories is making you sick. Tuvok said it was risky –“

“Why did he do this?” said Chakotay. “Why would he hide those memories? I’d have thought he of all people would want me to remember, would want me-“

“Because I asked him to,” cut in Kathryn. “He incapacitated you as soon as he arrived in the brig, and before he broke the mind control I asked him to remove the last hour of your memories.”

“Why?” said Chakotay, his face darkening.

“Because I thought what had happened would haunt you,” said Kathryn. “I could understand the other things you did, and I think a part of you can, too. Your disregard for me was understandable, given the level of brainwashing you’d been subjected to. But this was different. I thought the memory of it would hurt you deeply.”

“That was not your decision to make!” said Chakotay angrily, rising to his feet.

“I was trying to protect you!” said Kathryn, following him.

“I’m a grown man, Kathryn, I don’t need protecting from my own memories,” he said, his eyes glittering black. “I’m fully prepared to accept the consequences of my actions. And you’ve said time and again that it wasn’t really me doing those things – so that memory wasn’t even a true one.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I just wanted to spare you that. I thought – after everything else that had happened – you had enough to deal with already.”

He wheeled on her, and at her stricken expression he softened slightly.

“I know you were trying to help,” he said. “But I don’t appreciate things like this being hidden from me. I thought we were way past that.” He shook his head. “I thought you trusted me.”

“I trust you completely,” said Kathryn, stepping closer to him. “This was nothing to do with trust. I wanted to spare you the pain of remembering.”

Chakotay took her hands.

“If we’re going to be together, I want you to promise not to hide anything like this from me again,” he said. “I appreciate your trying to protect me. But I think we could have dealt with this together.” He smiled slightly at her. “I think we can deal with _anything_ together.”

“I agree,” said Kathryn. “Come on, let’s get to Tuvok’s, and maybe he can help you.”

She started walking, but Chakotay stayed still.

“What is it?” she said.

“Promise me,” he said.

Kathryn returned to his side and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.

“I promise,” she said.

Taking his hand, they continued to Tuvok’s office.

 

* * *

 

Several hours later, they arrived back at Kathryn’s apartment. As she had been spending a great deal of her leave at her mother’s house, most of her apartment was still rather plain.

Kathryn and Tuvok had matter-of-factly told him about what had happened that day – including the details of how Kathryn had asked Tuvok to perform the memory blocking before she had been beamed to sickbay following his attack, and had sworn both Tuvok and the Doctor to secrecy.

Tuvok, now fully recovered from his illness, was able to remove the block on Chakotay’s memories. The headache had almost instantly gone, but the memories had returned in full and Chakotay was finding it difficult to deal with them.

 _Kathryn’s screams as she lay trapped in her worst memory … slamming her into the bulkhead … the crack of his hand against her cheek. Lifting his fist, and hitting her over and over again, the crunch of bone against his knuckles, the small of her blood, her cries …_

He felt her hand, gentle on his arm, and swung around, startled out of his reverie.

“Sorry,” said Kathryn. “Can I get you anything? A drink?”

“No, thank you,” he said.

“Let’s sit down,” she said, and guided him to the couch. “How’s the head?”

“All better,” he said. “But the heart’s not so good.”

Kathryn took his hands.

“I hope you understand why I did what I did,” she said.

“I do, but despite everything, I’m glad to know the full story,” he said. “I wish I’d known on Voyager. I hate what I did to you, but if I had known then perhaps we could have dealt with it earlier.” He caressed the backs of her fingers. “So much wasted time.”

“We can move past it,” she said. “You weren’t in control of your actions then.”

“I can remember it so clearly, though,” he said. “I hurt you very badly.”

She nodded. “But I’m fine now.”

Chakotay released one of her hands and raised his to trail his fingers down her cheek. The memory of smashing it to a bloody pulp was horribly present in his mind, and he stroked his fingers along the soft skin as gently as he could. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to the curve of her cheekbone, before moving it down to her jaw. Squeezing his eyes shut, he remembered the blackening bruises he had inflicted there, and pressed a series of kisses to her flesh, moving along to just under her ear. The sound of pleasure she made at his actions thrilled him.

Kathryn immediately understood the meaning of his gentle ministrations, but they needed to banish the ghosts of Teero and his influence once and for all.

Rising suddenly, she pulled him with her.

“Come on,” she said quietly.

Chakotay’s expression was questioning for a moment, until the meaning of her words sunk in.

“Are you sure?” he said.

“Completely,” said Kathryn.

Chakotay followed her through to her bedroom, which featured long windows along one wall with a stunning view of the city. He caught a flash of her reflection in the transparent aluminum and turned, just in time to see Kathryn toss her shirt into the refresher. The light in the room was low, casting shadows over the curves and planes of her body.

For a moment, Chakotay was almost overcome. Here was a moment he’d dreamed of for years, given up on, and now finally experiencing. The woman he loved stood before him, looking at him expectantly, her eyes filled with love and want.

Chakotay moved to her, placing his hands above her waist, her skin silky soft under his palms. He skated his fingers lightly along her ribs.

“Did I break any?” he said gently.

“What?” said Kathryn, frowning. Chakotay rested his hands on her sides.

“Oh,” she said. “No. A few bruises, that’s all.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“I already told you,” she said, tugging the hem of his shirt out of his waistband. “No more apologies.”

Chakotay pushed her back until she was forced to sit down on the edge of the bed, and sat beside her. He captured her mouth in a deep kiss, during which his hands slid up her back to rest on the clasp of her bra. After a few moments he had it undone, and pulled back slightly to slide the straps from her shoulders. One of her hands flew up to her chest to hold it in place, and he noticed that she suddenly seemed to be sitting straighter, stiff-backed, as though trying to hold her stomach in.

Surely she wasn't feeling insecure? Not now? Didn't she know how beautiful he thought she was?

He stroked her cheek and hair, kissed her forehead, and gently but firmly, placed his hand over hers where it rested on her chest, and pulled it and the bra away, tossing the garment to the floor.

His eyes roved over her body, and he felt almost lightheaded with desire. She was lovelier than he'd ever imagined, her pale skin almost luminous in the low light, her breasts full, with rosy pink nipples.

He raised his face to look her in the eye, and she smiled back at him, almost shyly.

"You," he said, stroking a hand down over her bare shoulder and back up, "are very beautiful."

She grinned. "Thank you," she said, her hand moving down his back to rest on his waistband. "And _you_ are overdressed."

He barked out a laugh and shot to his feet, rapidly peeling his socks off and throwing his trousers onto the pile of clothing that included his shirt and her pants.

Re-joining her on the bed, he pulled her down to lie alongside him, relishing the feeling of bare skin against bare skin. She leaned forward to kiss him again, her tongue plunging inside his mouth, and he ran his hands over her bare back, and around to her front to rest over a breast. She sighed into his mouth, and he stroked his fingers over the soft flesh, running his thumb over her hardened nipple.

He pulled gently out of the kiss, lowering his mouth to press soft kisses to her neck, her chest. When he closed his mouth around the nipple he'd just been touching she hummed softly and laced both her hands through his hair.

He moved lower, kissing the curve of her belly, before pulling away to remove the final barrier, tugging at her underwear until it slid off over her hips and joined the pile of clothing on the floor. She moved her hands down to his hips to push his off, and once that was done, he moved over her, pressing the full length of their bodies together. She wound a leg round his hip, feeling his hardness pressing into her thigh.

Kathryn sighed happily, moving her lips over his forehead before moving down to his cheek and his throat. That this was happening at all was like a dream, and she moved her hands over his sides and chest, her fingernails raking lightly over his nipples, causing him to huff out a harsh breath.

It couldn't be long now, she thought. She was already painfully aroused, it was evident he was too, and as they continued to touch and caress each other she felt the thrum of want in her groin grow stronger and stronger.

Chakotay pushed himself up onto one elbow and leaned over her, kissing her until she was almost dizzy with desire.

She looked up at him, at his broad, bare shoulders, his golden skin, his dark eyes full of love.

"God, you're gorgeous," she said breathlessly, and shifted so she was fully underneath him, cradling him between her legs.

He lowered his head, touched by her compliment, until his face was mere centimetres away from hers. He stared into her eyes.

Kathryn shifted her hips, and her meaning wasn’t lost on Chakotay. Reaching down between them, he repositioned himself and pushed inside her.

Her eyes shut for a moment at the sensation. He wasn't small, and it had been a while for her. Although she felt a slight sting, he felt wonderful, and she bucked her hips ever so slightly, encouraging him to keep going. He moved forwards until he was fully sheathed, and stilled, pressing his mouth to hers softly.

After a few moments of adjustment, they began to move together, their pace building and as Kathryn met each of his thrusts, her head thrown back, lips parted, Chakotay realised he had never before experienced anything like this. He'd been with plenty of other women in the past, but making love with Kathryn, he realised, was the most incredible experience of his life.

Her hands came up to rest on her breasts, tweaking a nipple, and he batted them aside, replacing them with his own. She smiled up at him and ran her hands up and down his back again, resting on his buttocks, urging him on. She was pliant and open beneath him and he had never loved her more.

Lowering his head to her breast again, the delicious sensation of being inside her slick warmth intoxicating, he felt his climax building, but he was damned if this was all going to be over before she'd had her pleasure. Slowing his strokes, he lowered one hand to stroke her just above where they were joined. He felt her buck wildly in response and gasp into his neck, and continued his ministrations.

Soon he felt the muscles surrounding him begin to clench, and as she climaxed she arched her back, her hair in disarray around her on the pillow, a few strands sticking to her face, her mouth open. She let out a loud cry of pleasure before sagging against the bed.

He continued to stroke in and out of her gently, stroking the damp hair away from her face as she placed both hands on the back of his head and pulled him down for a warm, wet kiss.

His pace increased again and his breathing grew laboured as he felt himself draw close. Soon his thrusts became harder, more irregular, and after a few minutes he gave one final thrust and shouted his release into the curve of her shoulder. She stroked the nape of his neck as he panted, sagging bonelessly on top of her.

After a few moments he began to pull away, worried he was too heavy, but she tightened her arms around him, enjoying the sensation of his body over hers, still inside her.

"You okay?" he said eventually, when he was able to use his voice again.

"Oh, god," she said, laughing, and pressing her face into his chest. "Mmm. I'm great. That was wonderful."

The scent of their combined arousal permeated the air and Chakotay shifted, enjoying the feeling of their sweat-slicked chests rubbing together.

"It certainly was," he said, deliciously sleepy. He could have drifted off right there if Kathryn hadn't pushed at his chest. He rolled off her and she moved to stand, raking her fingers through her hair.

"Where are you going?" he said. Despite what had just happened, a slight worry crossed his mind. It would destroy him if she wrote off their lovemaking as just a one-off, or - God forbid - a mistake. Their discussion of their feelings had been pretty clear, he thought, but their conversations that day, and the revelation of how badly he had hurt her, had dented his confidence. How could she love him after what he’d done to her?

His fears evaporated as she turned back to the bed, leaning over to kiss him. Her breasts dangled inches from his face as she bent down and he longed to touch them again. He wondered if he'd ever get enough of touching her, and he doubted it.

"I need to clean up," she said. Her smile faded slightly. "Are you staying?" she said seriously.

Sleepy as he was, he sat up sharply at this. "What?" he said, stung. "Why, do you want me to leave?"

"No!" said Kathryn, sitting back down on the edge of the bed. "No, no. Of course not. I just thought you might want to.”

Chakotay looked hurt, and Kathryn leaned down to lie against him. Her breasts pressed against his bare chest, and he wrapped his arms around her.

"Of course I want you to stay,” she said, and kissed him gently. "Like I said earlier, I’m certain about this. When I get back, you’d better be right here." She stayed in his arms for a moment, before kissing him again, and heading off to the bathroom. Chakotay watched her departing form appreciatively.

As she left the room, he thudded his head back against the pillow.

The experience of loving her had been incredible. The shift from friends to lovers had happened more suddenly than he had expected, but he couldn't be happier with the way things had progressed. Just this afternoon he’d been utterly miserable, knowing he had hurt the person he cared about most in the galaxy, and now here he was lying in her rumpled bed after mind-blowing sex. It was almost too much to believe.

A few moments later she appeared back in the room, wrapped in a soft robe, and he dragged himself from the bed to use her bathroom. As he passed her he pulled her close for a kiss, elated that he was free to show his feelings for her whenever he liked.

When he returned from the bathroom Kathryn was already curled up in bed, the robe slung over a chair, and Chakotay slid in beside her, calling the lights out. He held her close, stroking her upper arm gently, feeling sleep start to claim him.

"Chakotay?" said Kathryn.

"Mmm?" he said sleepily.

A pause. Kathryn's head lifted slightly from the pillow.

"I love you," she said finally, looking over her shoulder at him.

Suddenly wide-awake, Chakotay's eyes flew open. He couldn't see her properly in the darkness, but he could make out her eyes shining in front of him. His heart seemed to turn over in his chest as she spoke and, tightening his arms around her, he brought his face close to hers.

"I love you too," he said, unable to keep the tremor from his voice. Silent, she rested her head back on her pillow.

“I know,” she said, happiness in her voice. “Good night. Sweet dreams.”

He kissed the back of her bare shoulder as he drifted off.

“Sweet dreams, Kathryn,” he said.

 

* * *

 

 _This is a holy time.  
A primal energy charges the blood.  
A time of rebirth._


End file.
